It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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