just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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