I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
