I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Randomize
