genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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