I met the friendliest cop last night
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
