so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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