community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
