Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
