So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
