I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Someone shattered a urinal.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
