Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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