rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
