UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
