There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Randomize
