so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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