I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
