We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
