its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
