I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
