i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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