i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
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