Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
