i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
