Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
