he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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