I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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