Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
