Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
