You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Don't tell me you're on acid again
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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