Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Randomize
