Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
