I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
