Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
BRING THE BAGELS
Randomize
