It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My penis needs a shock collar
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
