Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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