Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
