not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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