My friends, they love my intelligence
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
