im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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