It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
