piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
It's just like the Real World with babies
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
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I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
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How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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