I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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