A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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