is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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