Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
