by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
So. Much. Porn.
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