by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
