Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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