why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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