So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
