It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
