I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
