i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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