I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
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