I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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