So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
