she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
