So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
